


Wayward Channel: REACT Thedas Style

by Wayward_Gurl



Series: Signum: People From Earth Collections [3]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Gen, Humor, Modern Character in Thedas, Parody, React, Series, Short, Similar to YouTube
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-09 05:56:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13475106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wayward_Gurl/pseuds/Wayward_Gurl
Summary: This is purely for comedy, and it is recommended to read the other stories from the collection: Signum People From Earth; however it is not required, and hopefully you all still get a good laugh out of this.Andy sets up a new series called 'React' using only Thedosian guests. He will introduce them items varying from food to videos to music to almost anything in order to get their different reactions on film. This is a chance to see what Thedosian thinks of Signum.First Episode: Sushi





	1. Chapter 1

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A bright purple-haired young teen waved at the camera, beaming with a big smile.

“What’s up guys, this is the Wayward channel tuning into a new series called REACT. I’m your show host, Andy. Just Andy. Today, we’re going to introduce to you exclusive Thedosians taste-testing Asian cuisine! Starting off with Sushi!”

[Scene Change]

Anders appeared on the screen, sitting down and in front of him was a white table. His name ‘Kristoff’ appearing at the bottom left screen as well as his occupation: Arcane Scientist.

“What is this show again?”

Andy in the background answered, “So, basically, we introduce to you a recipe that is considered Asian cuisine, and you give your opinion about it as we film how you react, thus… _react_.”

The mage thought about it and then he nodded. “You know all of this sound so exciting. There’s nothing anything like this out there in all of Thedas. Is it like being a critic? Am I a critic?”

"Uh... Sure. I'm not a good cook though."

[Scene Change]

“Here’s your first dish.”

Two plates of California rolls were served on the table and were pushed towards two dwarves. Andy then placed a set of chopsticks next to each plate. Names appeared under both dwarves:

> Renvil Harrowmont; “Surviving Heir of Harrowmont”
> 
> Bosco; “The Gruffy Dwarven Retainer of Harrowmont”

“…What in the Stone’s blasted balls is this?” Bosco exclaimed at the strange thing.

Andy could be heard laughing in the background at such words. It was funny, but also super cool to hear something like that.

Renvil just stared strangely at the food, before his eyes caught on to the chopsticks and he picked them up to examine it. Meanwhile, Bosco was still inspecting the food, even picking it up and smelling it.

He then looked up murderously to Andy, who was off camera, “Are you trying to poison us?!”

“W-what? No!”

[Scene Change]

> Inera Adaar; “Chieftess of Valo-Kas Mercenary”

Inera stabbed the strange food with the chopsticks. “Is this how you use it?”

“Uhh… you’re close, but it’s like this.” Camera went black.

 [Several Scene changes showing Inera and the pair of dwarves how to use chopsticks, and then learning poorly how to hold it.]

Anders had it right though, holding the chopsticks. Andy was impressed, “Wow, you’re pretty good.”

“Thank you. I had practice at that ‘Panda Express’ nearby—Oh!” Then Anders clumsily dropped one of the chopsticks to the floor. He picked it right up and Andy could be heard laughing.

Anders pursed his lips. “…Does the ‘ _five second rule’_ still count?”

[Scene change]

Bosco and Renvil were both still struggling how to use the chopsticks, but eventually Bosco tossed his away from behind and picked up the sushi roll. Renvil looked at him and shrugged as he did the same, but instead of tossing it, he just set it down neatly on the table, and picking up the roll.

“We’re just going to eat it by hand.” Renvil said.

Andy in the background gave them the okay. “Go for it.”

Both dwarves looked at each other before putting it in their mouths simultaneously. Renvil chewed the roll and he nodded liking the taste. Bosco chewed only for a few seconds before turning to his right, and spitting out the food in the bucket next to him.

Bosco exclaimed, “ _Nug-eating-shit!_ What was that? Nug _testes?!_ ”

Renvil nearly choked at that claim and Andy was laughing was his ass off.

[Scene change]

Inera was eating the sushi rolls, enjoying herself. She was even dipping it in soy sauce and putting large amounts of wasabi. “MMmmm… love it. The burning is amazing too.”

Andy is gawking. “ _HOW_ are you eating that?”

“Hmm?”

[Scene change]

Anders was also enjoying himself normally. “…What is the meat in this?”

“Imitation crab.”

“ _Imitation crab…?_ ”

“It’s fake crab meat. It’s mostly just different kinds of fish mixed together with flour and other preservatives.”

“Fascinating! …But what is a _crab?_ ”

“Uhhhh…”

[Scene change]

“Overall, would you eat sushi again?”

Bosco pushed his plate away. “It’s suuu- _shiit_ is what it is, so no!”

Renvil shook his head at his retainer as he concurred, “Well, _I_ would. These are good nug-testes.”

“It’s not nug-testes!”

[Scene Change]

Inera nodded. “Oh definitely!” She said as she grabbed an extra packet of wasabi, tearing it easily, and eating the green paste. She moaned a bit. “Mmmmmm… So good. Wasabi is also good.”

“…You’re Badass.”

“Thank you.”

[Scene Change]

Anders set down his chopsticks on top of his empty plate. “I would definitely eat some again in the near future, even if it is fake crab, whatever crab is... wait, is she eating that _wasabi?_ ”

“…Yes. Yes, she is.”

“Maker! _How?_ ”

[Scene change]

> Ellana; “The First of Lavellan Clan”

“Ohh! I know this. California rolls, right?” Ellana questioned as she just picked up the sushi.

Andy blinked. “Oh y-you know? You know what it is?”

“Yes. Danny and his friends introduced us to it. Sudoku said it’s sushi and it’s meant to be a finger-food, so chopsticks are not necessary.” She took a bite immediately. “Mmmm… it’s a quick fix, though it’s not as good as _takoyaki_ , excuse me if I butcher that word.”

“…Wow…”

“Something wrong?”

[Scene change]

Andy waved at the camera.

“Well, thank you for tuning into another video of the Wayward Channel. Please don’t forget to send in your likes and comments in the link below! Leave suggestions on what the Thedas people should react to next, and be sure to subscribe to get updates on future videos! See you soon!”

[END]

 

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	2. Mutfruit

[Begin Scene]

> Kristoff; “Arcane Scientist”

“You have strange fruits, and I’m not particularly eager to try this…” Anders trailed off as he examined the dark purplish, bumpy fruit. “…mutt…fruit?”

“ _Mute_ -fruit. This is a Mutfruit.” Andy corrected ‘Kristoff’ (aka Anders).

[Scene change]

> Renvil Harrowmont; “Surviving Heir of Harrowmont”
> 
> Bosco; “The Gruffy Dwarven Retainer of Harrowmont”

“Mutfruit? What is a Mutfruit?” Renvil Harrowmont questioned as his retainer, Bosco picked up the strange fruit.

Andy hesitated. “It came from… our place. Before we moved here to Thedas. It’s a fruit that, if picked from the wilds, it causes irradiation.”

Renvil raised a brow. “ _Irradiation?_ ”

Their director began to explain from the background, “Using the words from an old soul named Jake of Old Town, Radiation is a phantom of death. You can’t see it, you can’t hear it, you can’t even smell it. It builds up in your system, and you can never feel it until it’s too late.”

Bosco dropped the fruit, gaping in shock and disgust, as he looked right up at Andy, accusing, “You _are_ trying to kill us!”

“Y-yo! I said if it was picked from the wild! This is a _fresh_ mutfruit!”

[Scene change]

> Inera Adaar; “Chieftess of Valo-Kas Mercenary”
> 
> Ellana; “The First of Lavellan Clan”

Inera stared at the director with an incredulous look. “…You want us to eat this?”

“…I saw the humans eat one of these…” Ellana said, now being extremely cautious. “But I never thought these mutfruits could be so dangerous. You humans are terrifying.”

Andy sighed. “Again. This won’t kill you unless you’re allergic to it. I have Epipens just in case one of you guys get into anaphylaxis shock.”

“…And they use such big words that sound so terrifying too.” Inera pointed out to the Dalish elf, who nodded, agreeing with her. Signum was just too much sometimes.

[Scene change]

Anders brought the fruit close to his teeth, but then stopping, pulling away. “…Maker, this is really terrifying. I wish you didn’t tell me about irradiation. I mean, I have witnessed a few of your ghouls in a medical infirmary. Nice folks, but they’re alive and yet rotting, and I’m scared for them. I can’t stop thinking of them now that you told me that this fruit causes the radiation that ruined their cells.”

“Wow, you’re actually more well informed than I thought. Does that mean you know Jake?”

The Arcane Scientist’s brows raised. “Jake? Jake, the one that calls himself a weapons dealer?”

“Yep. That’s him. He’s our guest today!”

[Scene change]

Jake the ghoul walked in, and the two dwarves hurried to move out of their seats, getting away from the horribly rotting, walking corpse before them.

“What in the stone’s name!? A darkspawn?!” Bosco exclaimed, drawing out his axe.

The ghoul hardly cared, but he crossed his arms, appalled in fakeness, “Ohhh? And what are you supposed to be? The bearded lady?”

“What?!”

Andy got in the scene, getting in front of the two. “Whoa, whoa, hold on now! Lord Renvil, Bosco, this is Jake. He’s one of our resident ghouls.”

[Scene Change]

Ellana questioned, “Ghouls?”

She and Inera were also out of their seats and were cautious of the zombie-like figure.

“We’re people exposed to radiation. Some people die, melt right off, turning nothing into skeletons, but some of us when the phantom death just creeps in slowly, this is what happens to us. There’s some good perks to this,” Jake explained to them

Inera raised a brow. “Like what?”

The ghoul gave them a proud, toothy grin. “Like I live longer. I am 261 years old.”

[Scene Change]

“No, you’re not! …Are you really?” Anders gawked as he didn’t believe at first until Andy was nodding with eyes wide, saying that he is.

Jake chuckled. “Yep. And I’m still young. Slows the aging process… though I think I have to be the longest living ghoul without going insane… At least not yet.”

“Wait, what?”

[Scene change]

“Back at our umm previous settlement, if you picked mutfruit in the wild and eat it, you get rads. Jake here is an example of it—well sort of an example of it.” Andy explained as the dwarves were calming down now from their initial surprise and fright.

Renvil just remained in a quiet shock while Bosco remarked, “So you get extremely ugly when you get _rads_?”

Jake cackled at the dwarf’s response, before protesting, “Hey, good sir, you’re not exactly a potential winner for a beauty contest either. If you are, they might just _lower_ the bar for you.” He gestured with his palm moving down to an invisible height limit. “Haha…because you know, you’re short?”

Bosco raged. “Let me have him!”

“Bosco!” Renvil chided.

[Scene change]

“So, wait… you mean you turn…like this? Eating this?” Ellana asked, holding up the mutfruit. Jake nodded and after a moment, the Dalish elf threw the fruit at Andy. “Nope. I am gone.”

“W-what? Oh, come on!” Andy protested. “Come back!”

Inera also got up and followed the Dalish elf out. “Get us something else to eat, will you?”

[Scene change]

The dwarves’ reaction cancelled due to altercations.

[Scene change]

Anders bit the mutfruit. He slowly nodded as he contemplated the taste, chewing slowly… then he shook his head, got down under the table where a trash bin was hidden, and spat out the fruit.

The Arcane scientist sat back up, giving the director a deadpanned look.

“Andy...? …That was fucking terrible.”

Andy could be heard cracking up in the background and Jake joining him.

“Hahaha…! yeah it is!”

[End scene]

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm just taking a break from writing the other fics. I needed to work on the Extras! Because I decided that the AndersxBelle needed to start. Also, still working on Danny meeting the Iron Bull--oops. Spoilers.
> 
> Anyways, I hoped you enjoy this, and there'll be plenty more! Please do leave comments and your suggestions of what things should Thedosians be introduced to?


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